In life and while out and about, Sheena and I have encountered a significant number of “D-bags”. It is admittedly unfair on the D-bags to classify them all as the same D-bag since we all know there are different kinds of D-bags… some are more “Douchey” than others. Hence, on one of our Sundays, the “Douche-o-meter” was born. This week figure out how much of a Douche he is on a scale of Dobby to Voldermort.
As for Sheena and I, if you’re even questioning whether or not you’ve ever been one of the D-Bags in our lives, you are. And if you’re wondering where you are on the scale, we’ll kindly put your minds at ease: it’s safe to assume you’re a perfect 10. J
**Spoiler alert!!** If you haven’t read all the books, you might not want to read this… if you only watch the movies and haven’t seen all the movies and get annoyed when people spoil harry potter for you, go read the books, you’re my biggest pet peeve. =P
0. Dobby
Dobby, the House Elf, is the most noble and loyal character of all in Harry Potter. (Though Hedwig was a contender for this spot, as well.) Since no man could possibly be 0% D-bag, the 0 spot on the douche-o-meter will never be occupied by an actual man/woman/person. RIP Dobby (and Hedwig)
1. Rubeus Hagrid/ Neville Longbottom
Rubeus Hagrid and Neville Longbottom tie for the first spot. Hagrid is the kind-hearted half giant responsible for bringing Harry Potter to Hogwarts and introducing him to all things magical. Neville Longbottom is one of the most genuine and faithful Gryffindors, and a close friend of Hermione, Ron, and Harry’s. As we find out in the Chamber of Secrets, he is also one of the bravest characters because he is able to not only stand up to his enemies, but also his friends. Both Hagrid and Neville are faithful to the end, something we hope for in all men!
2. Severus Snape
Severus Snape is undoubtedly one of the strongest characters in the series. His undying love for Lily Potter makes us swoon. He strives to protect Harry while leading a double life as a death eater. His warm, loyal, passionate character is made clear posthumously, making him one of the most admirable heroes of the series.
3. Ronald Weasley
It’s really hard to dislike the funny ginger. He is Harry Potter’s faithful best friend right from the beginning, had a wholesome upbringing on a farm in a big, loving family, and is always providing comical relief. He has a douche streak in the seventh novel, but we love him enough to overlook that.
4. Albus Dumbledore
Albus Dumbledore is the most powerful wizard in the world until his unfortunate and devastating death. He is critical, if not, fundamental, in guiding and preparing Harry for his duel and ultimate destruction of Voldemort. His legacy is one of the greatest headmasters of Hogwarts and wizards of all time; however, his path to power was ridden with douche-baggery.
5. Harry Potter
Harry Potter gets the middle spot on the Douche-o-meter. He is noble, brave, and of course, he saves the wizarding world from the brutal reign of the biggest D-bag, Lord Voldemort. Our hearts can’t help but pine for the orphaned, nerdy looking hero. However, he never let anyone forget he is the “chosen one” and is at times selfish and pig-headed.
6. Draco Malfoy
Malfoy is Harry’s classmate and arch nemesis of the Slytherin house. He is the only child in one of the wealthiest, pure blood families in the Wizarding world. Him and his parents are not surprisingly Death Eaters and are staunch advocates of bigotry towards muggle-borns. Draco disarms Dumbledore before the headmaster is ultimately killed by Snape. He also pisses off buckbeak with his douche-bagging ways. He has weak character and succumbs to family pressure… the base ingredients for any D-Bag.
7. Peter Pettigrew/ Wormtail
Peter Pettigrew (Wormtail) is the ultimate betrayer. A former close school friend of James Potter’s during his Hogwarts days and a Potter family confidante during the dark years of Voldemort’s early reign. He aides Voldemort in finding the Potters, and is partly to blame for the deaths of James and Lily Potter. Pettigrew is the Weasley family’s pet rat before Voldemort’s resurgence. He is a pathetic lowlife. His animagus is deformed vermon, and it suits this D-bag perfectly.
8. Fenrir Greyback
Fenrir is an extremely ugly death eater werewolf. He is the meanest werewolf in the world and is responsible for the deaths of many. MAJOR D-Bag.
9. Bellatrix Lestrange
Bellatrix is Voldemort’s sidekick and co-conspirator. She kills without reservation (taking joy in it) and possesses few, if any, morals. Bellatrix is responsible for the deaths of many, but particularly the death of Sirius Black, Harry’s Godfather.
10. Voldemort
Concluding remarks:
This entry is in part a tribute to Harry Potter- Sheena and I are clearly fans and the Harry Potter series (both books and movies) hold a dear place in our heart. We were both sad to bid it farewell last month. :( Also, Hermione didn't get a place on this because she's awesome. Also, side note: Bellatrix is evil but fabulous. Girl Power!
“He who must not be named” is such a douche no one wants use his name. In fact he needs no explanation nor is he worth even a second of our time. Thankfully we can rest assured knowing that this D-Bag’s merciless quest for power concludes with his brutal demise and destruction.
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